Smirnov Peter
Dating the Right Person

Marriage is not an easy issue.
Who is the right person for me to marry?
Am I good enough so a good person  will want to date me?

In order to marry right person you need to look for certain qualities in potential mate and become good for this right person. 

Looking for prince/ss
( the quality)

Here are some principles which will help you to define for yourself the best person to marry. One of the best ways to find out who will be the best for you is to get an idea of the qualities of  the person with whom you would like to spend  your whole life. The best time is to do it before you fall in love wit someone. In fact, take a  pen and do make a list right now. Think of dimensions identified by practicing psychologist Neil Clark (1994). He says to ask if you would like your future spouse to be quiet, funny or dependent quality of personality.  How smart and intelligent does your future mate need to be? What kind of appearance criteria do you have? Ambition is not a small thing in a marriage, so you need to think about ambitions of your potential spouse. How important is romance and physical attraction to you? Do you need a mate who will never cheat for any reason: who is absolutely trustworthy, and will never steal anything or never lie? How important is it for you that your mate will develop more and more her/his relationship with God and love Him more than you? Would you like your future spouse to serve to the Lord?
Now, if you have answered all of the above questions you get a picture of your future mate, and of your ideal prince or princess. You know what you want. How will you make your desire real? If there is a certain way to choose?    

How to identify your mate?
First, spend some time together doing different things and discussing your opinion about it . You need to be just friends for no less than three months before you make a decision to get married. During this time “keep your eyes wide open” (J. Dobson 1987. P17) so you need to talk to get background information about your future mate to see if that person fits your prince/ss. Talk about it openly because if you want to have unity you need to “become aware of different expectations” (James&Arthur, 1998, p.115).

Someone said that if you want to see how your future spouse will behave in your family, go and watch how his/her parents behave because that is where we learn how to treat each other. The Pastoral Counseling 1998 authors recommend that “partners identify how family of origin values, attitudes, traditions, and dynamics have influenced their attitudes and expectations regarding marriage” (p.116). The next step, then, is to compare all of these tips with your own observations. Ask yourself what you can and cannot expect? How different is this person from you? Is this person like you?

One day you will find your prince/ss and you will like this person so much that you would not want to look for anyone else because that person is the best in the whole world. This person is the personification of your dream. That person will never cheat or lie, will tell the truth all the time, will be absolutely trustworthy, loves God, serves Him sincerely and is faithful to future spouse. You do really want to spend the rest of your like with this one but here is question for you. Does this person want to become your spouse? Are you good for this person? Will you be the blessing for that person? Look at your list of qualities of your future mate. How are you  different from that list? What do you need to change in order to become worthy of that prince/ss?

II Becoming prince/ss
In order to marry prince/ss you need to become prince/ss. If you spend your life looking for a prince/ss stop now and use your time becoming that prince/ss and maybe a prince/ss will find you. Here are some ideas how to take care of your spirit and soul

Spirit
Who is God for you? Is he first or second pilot? If you are the leader of your life how will you lead your family to God? Do not skip this topic because “ the home is the church in miniature, and every Christian father has been appointed to be a pastor of his own home” (Fairer, 1990, p.57).  All Christians are representatives of our Heavenly Father. We need to know Gods word because without it “you can never be a spiritual leader in your home” (p.110).

There is a need for you to be God’s representative in your family and love your family and love God with all of your heart and it is beneficial as Dr. Dobson (1987) said “.husband and wife deeply committed to Jesus  Christ enjoy enormous advantages over the family...” (p. 50). That is why you need to stay close to the Lord and walk with him all the time. Ken Nair (1995) tells a story of one man who divorced his wife because of his attitude to her and later after he learned how to walk with God. He says, “Christ-like attitudes and action, that change character, won her back, convincing her that he really could be loving her and wanted to care for her” (p.158). 
Obey the Lord and He will bless you!  He can also make changes in your soul.

Soul
Here, we will talk about emotions and decisions. Is love an emotion or a decision? Love is both of them, but it should not be based only on emotions, because they are not stable. We can experience “God’s love because of His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were sill sinners “(Rom 5:8). God loves us with an unconditional  love that is why we are sure that He expect us all the  to come to Him. Love is essential for a family relationship. “Love has a most potent power in affection and sustaining union” (Spurgeon 1896). In this family union communication is important, but if we do not control our feelings we may hurt our spouse. We need to learn how to communicate in a right way because “communication keeps marriage flexible...” (In ring, 1996, p. 76). Do not let negative emotions control your communications. Learn to talk openly and it will help you in your future marriage. 

No one wants to have problems in family life. Therefore, identify the qualities for your future mate and work on your self in order to become a good mate.

References

Dobson, James C. (1987). Love for a Lifetime. Portland, Oregon: Multnomah.

Farrar, Steve. (1990). Point Man: How a man can lead a family.  Portland, Oregon: Multonomah.

Holy Bible, New living Translation. (1996). Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House.

Inrig, Gary. (1996). Whole Marrigges in a Broken World. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Discovery House.

Kok, James R. & Jongsma, Arthur E., Jr. (1998).  The Pastoral Counseling Treatment Planner. New York: John Wiley.

Nair, Ken. (1995). Discovering the mind of a Woman. Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson.

Spurgeon, C.H. (1896).  CD Christian Classics Ethereal Library 2000.  		Available: ccel/s/spurgeon/till_he_love BND.Him.

Warren, Neil Clark. (1992). Finding the Love of your Life. New York: Pocket Books.